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| yesterday was my last day at work so kelly and i wanted to
celebrate...i went to her house and spent the night, got drunk off my
ass, did weed and threw up everywhere...all for the first
time...their friend elijah came over for the hell of it...he ended up
taking care of me because the girls were too drunk and weak to carry me
into the living room...the last thing i even vaguely remember was being
in his arms on the way to the living room, the next second was kelly
waking me up and saying we gotta go so i dont get in trouble...ive been
hung over with either puking or a headache all day...im never getting
that drunk ever again...i dont like the aftermath...
anyshoe, i gotta go...</3
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| today was um...interesting?? wrote a quick report about the
french revolution today so i could fool my mom into thinking it was the
history project i didn't turn in, when in reality, i didn't do the real
history project because i couldn't find the outline for it...but hey,
what can one do right??...
went to a united show at the rock (my old church) where everyone hugged
me all the time cuz they haven't seen me since christmas...such a good
feeling...and in the middle of the show my friend came over and started
praying over me and i started crying and everything...she said, "god is
laying everything out in front of you right now, if you would just give
it to him everything will be okay...it's now or never tessa, if you
want to surrender everything to him just get on your knees right here
and give it to him"...it seriously took forever for me to get on my
knees, it's soooo hard to make a commitment you know you cant keep...i
told her i couldn't do it, i told her i would screw it up...but i got
on my knees, and i prayed...and the whole time the band was playing a
song about triumph and how the devil is defeated...it was as if it were
planned that way, like she told them to play that song at that exact
moment...and then the pastor started talking about being set free from
whatever youre bound by and how if we give it to god it'll be ok...im
so scared, i know i can't stay clean, i dont know what to do...im
freakin out here and i feel like im gonna snap...
i came home to find that my mom got a french bulldog pup named isabella
and they got a fatty arcade style video game of 'arcade legends'...i
guess its like a jampack or something...i have no idea where they got
all this money from, especially since nobody in our house is formally
employed...but hey, whatever floats your boat right??
anyshoe...i guess im gonna get some sleep, if that's possible after tonight...god im scared...
love</3
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| i need a fast...food makes me feel so gross, just being around it...so,
since tomorrow night i'll probably stay with kelly, i'll be
drinking...i think im gonna start a fast on saturday and go for at
least a week and see where i go from there...i suck at long fasting so
i dunno how it's gonna work out, but i can try right?? anyshoe,
im posting this so i might actually stick to it for once...so uh, yeah
i guess that's all for now...love </3
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| sooo...it's like 2:30 in the am so i don't know if you wanna call this
tonight or last night...but, i'll call it tonight since im still
up...the stepfather made ribs, smores, and hotdogs over our little
campfire thing, and i fucking ate EVERYTHING...god i feel so
gross...and after we ate, he busted out some wine...so we drank a
bottle and finished off another open one together...so then we start
talking bout drinks and he's telling old drug stories and shit...and he
brings out a glass of vodka so i can see just how much it tastes like
water when it's ice cold...i drank enough to get a little dizzy with
the giggles, never had that much before but it was cool...so then we go
back in the house and my dumbass sister (who got fired for the
traveler's check, by the way) starts calling me an alchie, and my mom's
sitting there laughing about it, despite the fact that she used to say
if we ever got drunk with ANYONE she would kill us because alcoholism
runs in our family and she doesn't want to see that happen to us...my
ass, fuckin doesn't follow through with anything...so, i discovered the
only way to have fun with my family is when im moderately drunk, gives
me a reason to drink though right??...god im tired...i think the reason
i ate all that shit though, is to prove to my mom that im not anorexic
or anything...she asked me the other day if i'd had anything to eat,
cuz being home all day with her, she starts noticing things...screw it
last night i stayed at a friend's house, she saved me from spending a
night listening to bad music with my parents...thank god for
her...anyshoe, i come home to find my pastors sitting in my kitchen
discussing church business with the stepfather (he does fucking
everything for the church)...and pastor eve is talking about how cool
my bed is and how her boys would love it, so i said something about how
it's a shame that they don't live here, and my mom shot me the nastiest
glare, i thought i was gonna have holes in my forehead where her eyes
burnt through...i think pastor eve is starting to get the hint that i
don't like talking all the time about everything with her...i was in a
bad mood to see that they were chillin there and that they had already
been looking around in my room when i wasn't home, so i was being
sarcastic about fucking everything, and not that nice funny sarcastic
either...after awhile she just stopped talking about normal stuff and
randomly asked how i was doing and if i was ok...every fuckin time i
see her she does that, so obnoxiously annoying...this is why i don't
like talking to people about shit when you start out as friends...they
always end up treating you like a porcelain doll...like you're gonna
break at any given moment...people suck...hardcore style
anyshoe...im gonna do my best to fast for the rest of the week to make
up for my shitty decisions tonight...god im a fuckin loser...
my mom gives me this box from the mail today and says its for me...low
and behold its a pair of fleece wristies...like wrist warmers ya
know...she bought em for me for some reason...don't get why, when she's
making me where short sleeves anyway...i guess she felt bad or
something so she bought me shit to cover my arms...they're not quite
long enough to cover everything but they're still pretty badass...
tired as hell...and this is a long ass entry anyway...so im going to bed
</3
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| my sister took a traveler's check at work tonight for $300...we're not
supposed to take traveler's checks under any circumstances...it was
fake and she fuckin freaked out and had a nervous breakdown...so she
called my mom and was talking to her about it to get calmed down a
little bit...bout 15 minutes later she calls me in and i said no, cuz i
already put in my 8+ today and didn't wanna go back...so then i heard
my parents and brother talkin shit on me in the next room so i just
went in so i wouldn't have to listen to them anymore...turns out kelly
(my best bud/manager) was gonna go in for my sister cuz she couldn't
handle it...so after we closed kelly was gonna take me home, but
instead her brother bought us some jack daniels and we went to her
house with every intention of getting shitfaced, this being me, who has
never had a drink without my parents permission, but we went anyway...i
barely got a buzz if you even wanna call it that, and the bottles
fuckin gone...i was pissed, but hey, shit happens right?? anyshoe, came
home and the stepfather said nothing, despite the fact that i smell
like smoke and shit...sigh of relief...but still, i wanted to get
trashed...today was seriously the worst fucking easter i've ever
had...who gives though, right?? i had fun with kelly while it lasted...
welp...that's it for now
p.s....xanga fights make me happy...
</3
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